Helping our kids get along. It’s probably the top issue facing parents on a day-to-day basis. It’s a topic near and dear to my heart, because I believe love begins at home. If our children can’t learn to love each other sacrificially, they’ll never be able to love friends, spouses and their own children without keeping score.
I’ve searched news outlets, leading parenting magazines, websites, blogs and books, looking for the best advice on helping kids learn not to fight. I’ve amalgamated all of them here in this post. Some of these tips are meant to be employed in the middle of an altercation; others are long-term relationship-building strategies. Some may seem totally foreign to your family culture. But if we’re trying to teach our children to live a different way, maybe we need something radically different.
Keep this list on your refrigerator and use it to vary the routine around your house. You’ll be amazed how a little variety can turn those little minds toward one another and away from themselves. Please bless others by reposting or linking to it, and mention the Sibling Sanity blog.
1. Praise acts of kindness.
Watch your children’s interactions with one another and praise them for spontaneously sharing, “letting it go,” and putting others first.
2. Talk about love at home.
What does it mean to love someone? What does love look like? Why is it important to love each other? What can we do to show love? How do we perceive love?
3. Serve together.
Pick up trash at a local park. Collect food for a food pantry. Take cookies to firefighters who have to work on Christmas or Thanksgiving, collect coats for a local homeless shelter. When we’re giving to others, we’re not focused on ourselves.
4. Compliment the kids to each other.
Praise your children in front of the other children. Say, “I’m so glad Noah is in our family, aren’t you?” “I love how Anna makes us laugh.” “Jake is always doing nice things like that.”
5. Create a reward system.
In our house, we use a bead jar. Every time we see a child acting in a loving way toward a sibling — without being asked — we put a bead in the jar. When the jar is full, the child gets to select a prize from the Prize Bucket.
6. Share bedrooms.
Kids don’t need their own room. Those who are given their own room often sneak into the other sibling’s room anyway. They crave each other’s company. Is it frustrating at times? Sure. Is it so totally worth it? Absolutely! Just talk to anyone who shared a bedroom growing up. Sharing a room can teach values such as respect for others’ belongings, cooperation and sharing. Making sure each kid has his own room can teach the children other values, such as protecting their stuff, needing to have everything just the way they want it, needing to be away from people, and an over-developed need for “privacy.”
7. Play games to teach kindness, forgiveness, loyalty and other values.
You can find great ideas here.
8. Compliment one another.
At the dinner table or in the car, start with someone in the family and let each family member share one thing they love about that person: “One thing I love about Aaron is how he helps pick up toys and he doesn’t stop until they’re all picked up.” Sounds hokey, but kids love this game. Remember, though, don’t say, “I love Emma because … ” Say, “One thing I love about Emma is …” You don’t want Emma to think that love is performance-based. For the same reason, don’t emphasize the same thing every time, such as appearance or grades. As your children participate, gently use their responses as teaching moments. Help younger kids steer clear of self-serving comments such as, “because she gives me her toys.”
9. Hug.
Be a family that hugs, touches, smiles. Get up and hug one another whenever someone comes home. Hug before you go to bed and first thing in the morning when you wake up. Start by doing it yourself, and your kids will love it. Before long, they’ll be hugging each other (especially if you encourage this).
10. Teach with your language.
Be intentional about your choice of words. Speak to and about your children with respect. Avoid teasing and shaming words. Ask one child to “serve” her sister by helping him with something. When we work words like “serve,” “help,” and “bless” into our everyday language, it becomes so normal for our children that it is part of who they are. Be aware of cultural concepts of siblings creeping into your family’s language. Labels such as, “bratty brother,” “bossy older sister,” “pest,” “icky brother,” and other terms seen on TV and in school conversation can tear down relationships.
11. Keep them busy.
Sometimes, conflict arises from bored little minds. When you sense prickliness among your children, start a project. Start a scavenger hunt, ask them to make something, or build something, or read something, or listen to something, or color something, or play something.
12. Live it.
Demonstrate conflict resolution, selflessness and cooperation in your own relationships. As your children see you interact with cashiers, parents, teachers, friends and relatives — especially your siblings — they’ll learn how to treat others. More is caught than taught.
13. Follow through.
Make sure your children know what’s acceptable and what’s not acceptable in your home, then enforce it. Be specific about unwanted behaviors and consequences.
14. Make a family “10 Commandments.”
Ask the children to help draft a family Code of Conduct or Family Rules or whatever you want to call it. When it’s final and everyone is happy with it, have it made into a sign or poster that you can hang up in the house where everyone can see. Place emphasis on relationship building in both the content of the 10 Commandments and on the way it’s compiled.
15. Identify kids’ love languages.
Explain the love languages (get a free study guide here) and ask the children to guess each others’ love languages, then tell whether others guessed theirs correctly. Ask them to think about
16. Talk to your children about heart issues.
What’s in the heart comes out as behavior, words and tone. One explanation I’ve heard for this concept is that the heart is like a cup of coffee. When we get jostled by emotions or circumstances, whatever is in the heart comes pouring out all over others. Is it scalding, painful, and bitter? Or is it warm, comforting, and sweet? Help kids develop hearts that are warm and comforting to others.
17. Hold them accountable.
Teach your kids to act on their values, not their feelings. Teach them that feelings are great; they make life more wonderful (and more painful, but even that makes the good stuff more wonderful). But they cannot be counted on for wisdom or truth. Challenge them to “do the hard thing,” to act on their values no matter how they feel, to be courageous a dozen times a day.
This is contrary to our culture, which says, “teach kids to focus on feelings, rather than blame” (“blame” being a synonym with right and wrong). But teaching them to focus on their own feelings can lead them down a road of self-absorption, entitlement and selfishness.
Besides, little Chance often don’t care whether he made little Jason mad. All he knows is that he wants the truck. But he will care if certain behaviors are unacceptable and come with consequences he can understand.
18. Get the kids involved.
Involve your kids in coming up with solutions to disagreements. Tell them to work it out and come to you when they have a solution. Sit them at a table or put them in a room and tell them not to come out until they’ve figured out an answer they both agree to.
19. Focus on intention
Train the children to address the motivation of comments and actions, rather than the squabble at hand. A friend of mine helps her sons to look inside by saying something like this: “Ian, when you fight over that toy, what you’re really saying is, ‘Ryan, I value that toy more than I value you. I’m willing to hurt you just so I can have the toy for a few minutes.’ Is that what you really want to say? Is that true?” The answer, of course, is “no.”
20. Listen.
Kids often feel frustration when they think their opinion is not respected. Teach them how to articulate their feelings, and listen to them. Don’t interrupt. Don’t correct. Don’t jump in with the other child’s perspective. Paraphrase back to the child what you’re hearing to see if he thinks you understand his point of view. A child who feels heard can sometimes show more patience for others. Plus, you’re teaching him how to listen.
21. Teach a song.
Sometimes, a song can be easier to remember and recall at a time of conflict than a “lesson.” There’s a great song here from a Kindergarten teacher that teaches kids three alternatives to violence when conflict arises: “Talk it over, walk away, find another game to play.”
22. Get kids to teach each other.
Take turns learning something that one of your kids is good at or excited about. It could be a book report on a favorite book, a musical tune, origami, magic, a nature walk, a craft, a recipe … anything. Learning something from siblings encourages children to
respect each other for doing something well. It teaches listening skills, patience and showing respect to others. Teaching something also helps children to learn patience, to organize their thoughts, to speak clearly and express themselves accurately, and it spotlights each child’s different talents, abilities and interests.
23. Punish spitefulness.
In many families, there is no response from parents when children are teasing, stealing, hurting, disrespecting each other and using hateful language. Or the parents’ reaction is to focus on the feelings of the offender, which only directs his attention on himself, not others. Let your kids know, “in this family, we respect each other.” Let them know how important it is that they learn how to get along, and that certain behaviors are unacceptable in your home.
24. Add compliments to correction.
When you have to intervene, try to start with a genuine compliment: “Laurie, I love that you try so hard to know the rules and to make sure that everyone else knows them, too. Let’s see if we can use that to help the others remember what to do without disrespecting them. They’ll do better when they’re as old as you.”
25. Help your children raise their threshold for frustration.
We all get emotional when we’re frustrated. Work on a jigsaw puzzle or put together a model airplane together. Help your child learn to play a musical instrument. Do something difficult together, and teach him not to give in to frustration if things don’t go as planned right away. As your children observe you making a new recipe, looking for something in a store (or a dozen stores), or cleaning out the garage, let them see you live with frustration in a way that’s calm and patient. Don’t freak out if you’re a few minutes late for something.
26. Use table manners to teach respect for each other.
One to three times a day, do your children wait until everyone is served before eating what’s on their plate? Do your kids wait until everyone is finished eating before being excused from the table? It seems like a small thing, but table manners are a daily way to help children think of each other. Encourage kids to ask if anyone needs anything when they get up from the table. Encourage them to clear more than just their own plate when they’re excused.
27. Shape a new view of fairness.
Children are preoccupied with fairness, but from a self-serving perspective. Help them to learn that fairness doesn’t mean, “no one gets more than I do,” but rather, “he needs more time/help because he’s younger,” or “she gets to stay up later because she’s older.”
28. Create a family identity.
In our family, we make it a game. If we can’t do something the way we thought we could, we all say, “Well, that didn’t work, but we won’t give up. We’re Woodys, and a Woody keeps trying.” This has helped our children (and us) on many occasions. Yours might be, “We Smiths treat others fairly” or “We Cavanaughs put others first.”
29. Stop bullying at home.
I saw a scene from “Diary of a Wimpy Kid” in which a teenage brother teases his younger brother with a piece of paper from school that the younger brother had thrown in the trash because he didn’t want others to see it. He held it out of his brother’s reach, smiling and talking about it as his brother protested. He held his younger brother at arm’s length by the head as the brother tried to grab the sheet of paper from his hands. He was clearly enjoying his younger brother’s distress. As all this was going on, the dad (portrayed as a buffoon, of course) and mom just watched. Eventually, the mom intervened, but I wondered if parents out there think that it’s “normal” for older, bigger siblings to torment their younger brothers and sisters. Where do we think kids get the idea that teasing, physical fighting and shaming is acceptable behavior? It starts at home. Let’s be intolerant of meanness among our own children, so that they don’t engage in it (or put up with it) at school and in other situations.
30. Put them to work.
Busy kids tend to have less time for idle bickering. And you’ll find that kids like to work together if you teach them that it can be fun. Assign a bathroom to each child (or divide children into teams). See who can get their bathroom the cleanest, an the winner gets to choose a movie to watch. Or set the timer for 10 minutes and have the kids pick up their rooms. Or tell each child to look around for something that isn’t where it goes, and put 20 things away. You get a clean house, and the kids get a challenge that keeps them busy and physically active.
31. Love siblings more than friends.
Of course it’s reasonable and natural — and healthy — for siblings to have their own friends; the greater the age difference in siblings, the more this will be the case. However, something comes unhinged when one sibling excludes, ignores, or even taunts and teases another sibling because of friends. Teach your kids that family comes first. Be a family that includes, not one that excludes.
32. Reject the status quo.
Talk with your kids about how society views siblings. Show them ads, commercials, movie clips, song lyrics, cartoons, news stories, children’s books and other media that show siblings annoying each other, arguing and trying to avoid each other. Talk with them about how this is accepted in so many families that it has become normal. Then tell your children that you expect more from them. That your family isn’t like all the other families that accept that behavior. Help them develop a concept of distinction, or a higher standard, of a self-image that includes being above the “normal” sibling stuff.
33. Read meaningful stories together.
Read stories that emphasize sibling relationships, both good and bad. Discuss them together and acknowledge everyone’s point of view. Read to younger children, take turns reading for older children. Kids love to see what happens next, and these stories will be with them at school and other times during their day. It might ignite or renew an interest in reading, too. Some books to get you started follow.
For little kids
Too Small for Honey Cake
Just Me and My Little Brother (there’s a Sister one, too)
All the Places to Love
The Big Sibling Book
Sister for Sale
Star of the Show
For older kids
The Year of Billy Miller
The Boxcar Children
Something to Sing About
Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends (written by 3 siblings)
This site has a list of short stories about showing love for one another
34. Support each others’ interests.
It’s easy to become estranged when kids reach the age where they are involved in lots of different activities. Kids seem to go in opposite directions a lot — different schools, different after-school activities, different friends. Why not have a family rule that everyone goes to everyone’s games, concerts, recitals, awards programs, etc.? Having your siblings as your cheering section gives one child a chance to show their family what they’ve got, and shows them that their brothers and sisters want them to do well and win.
35. Say each others’ names with respect.
“CAR-o-LINE!” “Wil-YUMM!” “Ugh! Naomeeeeeee!” Names said in anger or exasperation can become ingrained into the psyche and self-image of a child. Almost everyone has a recording that plays in our heads, especially when we mess up. That voice we hear is usually one from our childhood, a parent or older sibling, a voice that criticized, mocked, ridiculed, or teased often. Teach your kids to say each others’ names with kindness and respect, not derision.
36. Close eyes and fold hands.
This is a great parenting technique I learned from “Growing Kids God’s Way.” When a child is fidgeting, fighting, or just not listening, you can help him get control of himself by asking him to close his eyes and fold his hands. This is a useful technique in the car, at restaurants, and other places where a time-out is inconvenient (although that never stopped me; I’ve done time-outs in restaurants before). By closing their eyes and folding their hands, children have an opportunity to calm themselves and separate from the conflict.
37. Control emotions through breathing.
When emotions are spiraling out of control, teach your children to breathe in for three seconds, hold their breath for three seconds, then breathe out for three seconds. Doing this several times helps regulate blood pressure, heart rate, and adrenaline production. It helps you focus and think more clearly in a situation where you may be dealing with fear, outrage or shock. This is a technique taught to police officers, soldiers, Olympic athletes, and others in high-stress performance situations. My husband, a Federal law enforcement officer, taught it to all of us. A calmer child can deal with a situation better when emotions are not controlling her. You could even teach them to say a Bible verse, quote, or comforting phrase instead of counting to three. P.S., this technique is great for Mom, too.
38. Help everyone get enough sleep.
How much actual sleep do your children get? We’ve all heard that lack of sleep can make us irritable, but did you know that children ages 5-10 need 10-11 hours of sleep per night? Teens need around 9 hours per night. If your children don’t have a bedtime, institute one today! If they’re wide awake at bedtime, you can play some soothing music or let them take a toy to bed (if the toy keeps them up, set a timer for 20 minutes of play time, then all toys get put away and it’s sleep time). All electronics should be off. And be sure the parents get enough sleep, too. Otherwise, squabbles that would ordinarily be mildly annoying become unbearable.
39. Put the toy in time-out.
If your children are arguing over a toy, put the toy in time-out. Beware, though, that astute children as young as three can capitalize on this technique by using an argument to get a toy taken away from a sibling. If you suspect this is happening, change tactics. Let one child (the one who owns the toy) have it for 30 minutes, then let the other take a turn.
40. Share the joy of giving.
Help the kids plan a gift, surprise or party for a sibling. Get excited. Have secret meetings. Make lists and let one child be in charge of keeping the list hidden. Guide the children so they don’t turn this into teasing, however. But let the others get excited about picking balloon colors, wrapping a gift, creating a treasure map to find the gift, smuggling the gift into the house, etc. Get their hearts focused on someone other than themselves.
41. Stop the car.
When children are bickering in the car, one way to get their attention is to stop the car. Say nothing. Just pull into a parking lot and put the car in park. They may not notice it at first, but after a while, someone will ask, “Why are we stopped?” When you have their attention, you can be heard. I have only done this a few times, but what I say is, “It isn’t safe for me to drive when there’s so much noise and distraction in the car, so I’m going to stop the car until it’s peaceful and quiet.” You’d be surprised at how well it works on kids of any age.
42. Do something together once a day.
Whether it’s a game of cards,or cleaning the living room, doing something together — even if it’s only for a few minutes — helps build camaraderie. This is also a good opportunity to show the kids how to engage in healthy competition.
43. Assure that kids aren’t tired or hungry.
Oftentimes, squabbling, tattling, teasing and arguing happen when children are hungry or tired. Keep a calendar of when the friction is highest and see if more sleep, healthy snacks or earlier mealtimes might help.
44. Ban sarcasm.
The only purpose of sarcasm is to shame the person we’re speaking to. Clear your home of sarcasm (and that means parents, too) so you can make room for a kind and respectful tone of voice. When kids are using sarcasm, call it what it is, so they can recognize it.
45. Hold hands.
This may seem strange, especially if you have older kids, but psychologically, it’s important to teach your children to take each other by the hand. Some families have a very “touchy” culture. They hug, pat each other on the back, put a hand on an arm when talking … but other families rarely touch. When children are young, you can ask them to hold hands when crossing the street or in a parking lot. They’ll get used to it and they’ll hold hands when they’re older, too. If your kids are already older, look for opportunities to hold hands. Hold hands when you say the blessing during meals. Play games where you have to hold hands. Hold hands when you watch TV together, when you say bedtime prayers, or when you sing, “Happy Birthday” to someone. Hold hands a lot. Older kids may roll their eyes at first, but secretly, they’ll love it.
46. Show what happens in the long run.
Look for examples of people who have not learned to let it go, forgive, take turns, share, control their feelings, show respect, etc. and bring them to your children’s attention. You can find stories and examples of fictional characters, people in the news, and even people you know. Show your children what happens when people don’t learn to love selflessly, and how it affects their life.
People don’t want to be around a frustrated, angry, sarcastic person. A person who puts herself first can’t find lasting romantic relationships. A person who can’t put aside his needs and preferences to invest in others has children who are lonely and peer dependent. Show your kids how high the stakes are.
47. Say “please” and “thank-you” at home
We often expect our children to have better table manners when they’re out at a restaurant, a friend’s house, or a church function than when they’re at home. Why? The people at home are supposed to be the most important people on the planet to us. Why wouldn’t we put on our best behavior for them? Teach children to say, “please,” “thank-you,” “you’re welcome,” and “excuse me.” Teach them to hold the door open for each other, to pass out napkins to everyone at the table, to pick up something that a sibling dropped, and to express polite manners to each other on a daily basis.
48. Call it what it is.
When you see or hear an undesirable behavior, say, “that’s teasing,” or “that’s selfish.” This will help younger kids understand what undesirable behaviors and attitudes are, and that mom or dad is listening to how they talk to each other. Our society has become averse to using direct language because it might be offensive. I say, call it what it is. If a child is insulting or disrespecting another child, call her on it.
49. Rotate chores.
Sometimes, resentment builds over the division of duties. Rotate household chores and duties so everyone takes a turn. An added benefit is that everyone learns how to do everything.
Your kids do chores, right?
50. Learn how to apologize.
There’s a right way and a wrong way to say, “I’m sorry.” It’s important for kids to be able to apologize with empathy and authenticity because they’ll need to all their lives. When a child has wronged a brother or sister, assure that the offender apologizes. An apology should include:
- the words, “I’m sorry”
- a specific mention of what was done wrong
- an acknowledgment that it was hurtful to the other person
- a request to be forgiven
- a hug
If your child’s heart is not in the right place to give an authentic apology, he or she should go to a bedroom or chair and sit quietly until ready to apologize. The sibling offended should say the words, “I forgive you.” Although it may sound awkward in today’s politically correct society of softening words into beige inoffensiveness, its is important that children understand the concept of forgiveness from both sides. If they become comfortable with the word, they’ll be comfortable with the concept.
There you have it: 50 ways to help siblings stop fighting. There are more out there; maybe the smart parents and siblings who read this blog can help me come up with 100. If you have a great way to help brothers and sisters to stop arguing and start being loving toward one another, please leave a comment below.
In closing, this is for all the moms who reading this in tears at your computer, desperately searching for answers: Don’t give up. There is no more important job than the one you’re doing right now. You’re preparing a human being for life as an adult. What you’re doing now will shape the kind of spouse, parent, friend, employer, employee, neighbor, voter, driver, citizen, and person each child will be. Will they be the kind of person who takes from society, who consumes and ruins the lives of others, who sucks people dry, who abandons them in their hour of need? Or will they be the type of person who gives, loves, serves, helps, leads, initiates, finishes, innovates, cares and never stops trying?
A lot of that is up to you. Wow, huh?
They train local service providers on how to create community-based peer support programs for young siblings; hosting workshops, bulletin boards/discussion groups, and websites for young and adult siblings; and increasing parents’ and providers’ awareness of siblings’ unique, lifelong, and ever-changing concerns through workshops, websites, and written materials.
Sibling Sanity 