Mother Teresa was fond of saying that “Love begins at home.” She knew that we learn about love, experience love, and learn to love others in childhood, at home. She saw the ravages of chronic loneliness as she witnessed the utter ruin of lives through drugs, gangs, homelessness, prostitution, crime, selfishness, narcissism, manipulation, debt, bankruptcy, broken relationships, chronic singleness, divorce, and other forms of empty self-gratification and -aggrandizement.
We all want to belong. We all want a sense of family. We’re hard-wired for it. That’s why children who are ignored by selfish parents go looking for love in a clique, a gang, a cause or identity, or in the arms of (lots of) others.
If we cannot love sacrificially at home, how will we love others outside of our home? If we cannot treat those closest to us with respect, how can we ever hope to treat others with respect?
Do your children understand that their siblings are the most important people in their lives? Do you tell them? Do you teach them to grasp the enormity of their influence and contributions in each of their lives? Our siblings are supposed to be there for us, no matter who’s against us. They are the ones who defend us, protect us, take our side, show up, and care. If we allow our children to habitually hit, hurt, insult, steal, shame, dominate and tattle on their siblings, we are destroying these precious things for all of them.
“But wait!” you say. “Kids do these things. Aren’t they just being kids?”
Well, sure, some kids do these things, if it is permitted in the home. And yes, it is human nature to put ourselves first, to trample on the rights of others, to gain status by putting others down.
We all have to be taught to be nice. We don’t do it naturally. I often think that those who see humans as basically good have never had kids. They haven’t witnessed the un-taught, un-learned spitefulness that can come flying out of the cutest, dearest little darling at the speed of light, and with no provocation.
When Sophie hits Liam and mom does nothing, what does that say to Liam? Mom may simply be thinking, “Kids do that.” But that’s not what Liam’s thinking. He’s thinking, “Mom’s not protecting me. It’s okay for Sophie to hit me. I’d better protect myself. If it’s okay for her to hit me, I guess it’s okay to hit her.” When Liam comes running to mom, saying, “Sophie hit me!” he wants mom to care. To bring Sophie to justice. To stop her from hitting him again.
If she doesn’t, over time, three things happen.
- Mom loses her authority. “If she won’t protect me, then I will protect myself, even from her.”
- Both children learn it’s okay to hit (or say hurtful things, or take toys, or lie, or tattle).
- Both children learn that mom doesn’t care. Sophie learns that mom doesn’t care how she acts or what she does, and that’s scary, because someone’s got to be in charge, and anyway, isn’t mom supposed to want her kids to behave? What does it say if she doesn’t? And Liam learns that it’s okay with mom if he is victimized.
The result is that they both feel unloved and no one’s listening to mom anymore.
We can teach our children that hateful behavior is not allowed in our home. We can help them learn the skills they need, and more important, we can help them to have a loving, giving heart for each other. Have you ever observed children who act one way at home and another way at school or church or grandma’s house? How can the same child be so totally different from one place to the next? It’s because those kids have figured out what’s allowed in each environment. “I can do this at home, but not here.” Where does the child seem more content — at the place where he can run amok or the place where he’s expected to control himself and treat others right? It’ll be the second place every time. Now ask yourself, “Is our home the place where my children practice love and respect? Is our home the place where they’re on their best behavior? Where they control their emotions and treat others the way they’d want to be treated? Or is that somewhere else?”
We can’t parent from an armchair. We have to take an active role in teaching our children to love each other. Listen to how they talk to each other. Watch their interactions. Praise and reward acts of kindness toward each other such as sharing, letting someone go first, picking up something the other child dropped, fetching something the sibling needs, giving someone else the biggest piece (or the last slice), saying something nice about a sibling, bragging on a sibling to others, including someone in a game, etc. Children thrive on praise and whatever mom and dad like to see is what the kids will do more of.
Home is where we learn to love sacrificially, to forgive, to share, to respect others, to apply the Golden Rule, to take turns, to laugh together, to understand differences, to be happy for someone else’s good fortune. Home. For some it’s a dream. For some it’s a memory. It’s a special and precious thing.
Let’s make our homes a place where love begins.
“Even a child is known by his actions.” Proverbs 20:11
Sibling Sanity 
I liked your article because it made me think of many ways we interact with our children. I would like others ideas about another issue my husband and I somewhat disagree on with our grandchildren. Jerry is 5, Jedi is 4, and Zav is 2. They came over one day and they were behaving grouchy and Jerry and Zav threw some papers on the floor and I asked them to pick them up. Jerry said no and then Zav said no. So I made them sit on a chair and the whole time Zav had a tantrum and crying. Jedi said he would pick it up for Jerry and I said that doesn’t count because that seems to happen alot, and I guess I was raised that way. Finally Jerry did pick up his share but Zav kept saying no he wouldn’t. When their Mom came to get them I told her what happened and she told Zav to pick them up and he did right away then he gave me a big hug? My husband said I should let Jedi pick the papers up for Jerry, because it teaches them to help each other even when they are bad and it teaches them comradery and to stick up for each other. I thought that sounds good but something bothers me about that. Does anyone have any ideas about that? Thanks Sue
I agree that the offender should deal with the consequences of his actions. It is good that his brother wanted to help, but for Zav to leave it to someone else to clean up after him habitually will create problems for him and all his relationships for the rest of his life. It seems they were testing whether they had to obey at grandma’s and grandpa’s house. And Zav found out that he did. Be firm and loving, and always explain how HIS actions led to your decision or consequence. He’ll find that life is easier when he steps up and does the right thing.